| Love:
The Decision |
"I
am in love with you." |
"Fall in love,"
is the phrase. When I first experienced this kind of love, I did
actually have a sensation of falling. Sinking into a soft featherbed.
Relaxing. Once I had let myself fall in love with my beloved, it
was the easiest thing in the world. It felt very natural!
Before I came to the
decision that I could let myself be in love with my beloved, however,
I experienced some unease. Because I was not fully committed.
To fall in love is to give one’s heart away. Could I trust my
beloved with it? Would I be hurt? I had an approach/avoidance
problem.
It took time, but my
beloved made me fall in love, or rather, I let my beloved make me
fall in love. And, I finally felt able to freely give my heart.
With Love: The Decision, the lover has the potential for love in his or
her heart, which can only truly be born with a decision to let oneself
love. It is not like Passionate Love, with which one has no choice
but to love. Decision Love exists because the lover lets it.
As Jean Anouilh
said:
"Love is, above
all, the gift of oneself."
Most Decision- Lovers
fall in love because the beloved (purposefully, or through no fault of
their own) convinces them that he or she is worthy of being trusted with
the lover’s heart. Therefore, the lover can cite reasons why he or
she is in love with the beloved: "His sense of humor," or, "she’s
such a sweetie," et cetera.
Since reasons for being
in love can be cited, Decision- Love is a conditional variety. We
give our hearts away, usually on the condition that the beloved is deemed
worthy of it. This way, the love has been earned. The beloved
"made the cut." It is a "reward" for worthy attributes or behaviors.
So, on the other hand,
if the beloved starts behaving unworthily-- in the lover’s mind-- he or
she may choose to withdraw the love. Decide to not let him/herself
love any longer. The love is allowed to exist by the discretion of
the lover. The lover can either actively decide to stop, or passively,
by allowing it to die through abuse or neglect. He or she has control,
so he or she must sustain the love, rather than be sustained by it.
Therefore, the lover must put conscious effort into keeping the love alive.
It does not sustain itself.
Since Decision- Love
is a conditional variety, many may not consider it real love.
It is real, it just can be based on rational (relatively speaking) conditions.
People fall (read: jump first, then they fall) in love, and fall out of
love, all the time. In between, they do actually love their beloved.
The beloved has their heart, there is just a string attached... It's
not an eternal, divine type of love, which never ends no matter what.
So, it's temporary. Therefore, Decision Love is a human-level love.
It can and does pass away, just like we do. But, it's still love.
I have heard the phrase,
"Love
is not an emotion, it's a decision." If you can decide to love,
you can decide to not love. This human love is based in our minds
and hearts, not our spirits. So, it is perfectly reasonable that
our minds would enter the equasion, in deciding to love someone.
And the emotions of our hearts playing a role in this kind of love is also
perfectly reasonable.
Therefore, you cannot
separate the Decision from the rationality of our minds and the emotions
of our hearts. It is an emotion and it is a decision; and
it is a (more or less) rational- and- emotional decision, which the logic
of our minds and the feelings of our hearts help us make.
It is possible that
we can choose to love, regardless of the worthiness of the beloved.
We then would choose to love someone, in spite of any worthiness
or lack thereof, on the beloved's part. We are able to choose
to love regardless of worthiness, and can, at any time, choose to cease
loving. For any reason, or no reason at all.
Love: The
Decision is defined as a love that can be freely given to another at the
discretion of the lover.
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